Although I don’t speak a lot about my family, it’s worth mentioning this because it’s so recent and so necessary.

My wife died on April 3. We had been together for over 32 years.

Death is just as important as life, as I’ve heard over the years. We learn about death when we’re young, and how we cope with it progresses as we age. Losing your parents is always a big milestone, but if you ever marry and manage to spend a long time with that person, sometimes it ends up being the worst loss you can imagine.

It’s now been 16 weeks since she passed. But it’s a bit more complicated than that, since she’s been gone from the house since late February. The time between February and her passing was a whirlwind of hospitals, rehab facilities, and even a harried early morning trip to a clinic in Rochester, NY. In the end, it was all for naught as she passed away from ovarian cancer, and there was literally nothing I could do about it.

Not that I didn’t try. I think I was getting tunnel vision down toward the end. I was basically burning the candle at both ends for weeks on end, coordinating with nurses, doctors, caretakers and so on, almost going to the point of trying to apply for state aid (which never had a prayer of working, the family had too many assets to qualify) simply because my insurance wasn’t going to pay for a nursing home, and hers was federal, and would only pay if she was there for rehabilitation. So I was concentrating all my effort on working full-time, advocating on her behalf, and pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion. Thankfully I had friends to lean on, and they helped immensely. People that would drop everything in their own lives and come to help is a resource you don’t look down your nose on.

But, for all the effort, she passed away regardless, and left a huge hole in my life. She was 15 years my senior, and we built an amazing life together. Right now I’m just taking in day by day but there are so many times I could really use her guidance, and I no longer have it. Just have to muddle through best I can on my own.

Her name was Sarah, and she was the most amazing person I’ve ever known. And I’m going to miss her forever and a day.